Intro

Well, here goes my intro to a new blog, Blogging certainly isn’t new to me, I kept a blog of my daughters pregnancy, and a blog of some of my own ups and downs, but now I want to shift of keeping a regular blog about my life, my identity, my kiddos, and a newly forming relationship. . .
About me? I am 32, a mama of five, though one is out of the home and on her own, with her boyfriend and father of her baby boy, who is almost two. I recently graduated college. . . yes I was a super super super senior, but I finally got my bachelors in Sociology and Women’s Studies. In October, I will start on my masters in social work, with intentions to become a therapist.
So, Why am I here? Good question, I’m glad you asked! I have learned over the past four years, since my divorce, that life is short. . . and its important to live in a way that is authentic to who we are. Part of that realization for me is to stop denying who I am. . . denying the part of me that is truly completely lesbian. I struggle off and on with the parts of me that are conflicting, and the concept of being a completely out lesbian is still one that I am digesting, even after all of these years and several ex-lovers.
There is history there, it isn’t as if I woke up and said “oh, im gay, whats for breakfast” no. . . and the whole idea of your “coming out story” is more of a saga with me. When I was a small child, I always thought that girls were pretty, as I grew older, and was introduced to the world of porn, I was fascinated with the pics of women. I had little interest in any men pictures, but loved the women and couldn’t get enough. Being the good christian girl I was, I would pray daily to stop thinking about how women looked. I don’t think I even considered I could be gay, nor did I really think of what I wanted to do with a woman, or what women did, I just knew that I wanted something . . . . and it had to do with them
As a young adult, I fantasized about women, and would make jokes that I was a straight girl who wanted to have sex with a woman. At 21, my first partner, Karen, made me realize just what was up with this fascinating world of being a lesbian. Three lovers later there was Tracy, and head over heels in love I fell. That terrified me. Up until Trace, I could easily pass off my lovers as experimenting, sensuality, fun or whatever. . . but nothing prepared me to actually fall for a woman.
The christian part of me felt terrified, I was battling a custody battle for my daughter, and was trying to keep the household together for my three children. I wanted to stop loving women and just to be “normal” and live a peaceful christian existence. I ended up pouring all of this out to my friend, whose suggestion was to get married to him, he would give me the stability I needed and all would work out. I followed that suggestion, and stayed married for five years, and two more babies.
During that marriage, I was haunted by what I was missing out on. As the dreams of women in my life would grow, the intensity I prayed and followed my religion would grow as well. I lived a double life in many ways, finding a lesbian practitioner, making online friends with lesbians, dreaming about other women, even encouraging him to buy porn in hopes that there would be lesbian scenes to pacify me. He often remarked that he knew I would leave him for a woman, but I was steadfast that I would remain married at all costs, and kept attending church, homeschooling, and pretending I was the hetero mother of five that I appeared as.
That marriage ended, not due to my identity, but due to abuse in the family. All of a sudden, I was single, with five kids, the court took his rights to see his children away, so I was completely on my own. I think I knew I was bound to be with a woman again, however, I tried to resist. I had all the stories. . . gay people are mentally ill, going to hell, perverted, it would hurt the children. . . . you name it, I heard it.
Then, I became a sociology major. As I immersed myself in studying sociology, I found myself rapidly digesting everything I could on gender, identity, sexuality, and the connections with class, religion and culture. I began tentatively dating women again, but secretly, with nobody knowing other then my best friend in Washington, who I think thought maybe I was confused, hurt, or searching. I kept my facade of hterosexuality up, by staying in a terrible relationship with an alocholic man, which, verified that I was hetero, at least to the outside world, and very often to myself. I kept waiting for this “thing” to go away.
I ended up in one bad lesbian relationship, and while the relationship was horrible, and had some bad consequences, in the beginning, I found that I was happier and more content then I had ever been before. One night, we shared a bubble bath, with candles and conversation and I thought to myself. . . that it was surely criminal to have such a wonderful time. I knew then, that this was far more central to who I was, then the hetero christian I attempted to be.
That relationship ended, and for the past two years, I have primarily stayed single, though the dysfunctional relationship with a male had remained most of the time. It was non-sexual, just a very codependant/passive aggressive type of a relationship. One that both of us played on in unhealthy ways. Finally I realized that it was toxic, and I had to leave. . . . which brings me to the present.
One night, in a late night of boredom and feeling intensely isolated, I decided to place a lesbian personals ad. It basically was short and quite simple. I had many replies, none that seemed too interesting to me. And then, there was one that stood out. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, as it was decidedly “girly” and was from a mama of one child, who had a similar situation as I did, and was looking for somebody as well.
Well, we began long emails, then proceeded to talk online. . . at this point, I wanted to get my hopes up, but I was very unsure still. I hadn’t really seen her, and she was definately a girly girl. . . add to that she has a daughter, and my own ups and downs. . . .I basically got scared. Really. Really. Scared. . . .
So, I did what any strong woman does, I ran. I stopped responding, went on vacation, tried to forget about this woman at home with the great conversation, but, as you can imagine, it just didn’t work so well. I came home, started chatting with her again. . . which led to a phone call. . . which led to many more. . . but then, the time to meet came and, once again, I flaked. *smacking myself in the forehead here*
But, she kept calling, and so we decided to meet at an event where several women were gathering. I was so nervous, and worried I wouldn’t know it was her. Finally, she showed up and wow. . . was I impressed! Since that time, we talk daily on the phone, have went out several times and are building a strong friendship. I am building this relationship slowly, and examining the emotions and concerns that come up within me as they arise.
This is a huge process. HUGE. Even coming out, once again, is huge. It isn’t as if it takes anybody by surprise but its easier to identify as lesbian if you don’t have a partner. . . having a partner makes you visible. No more hiding. . .

So, this blog is about me, my identity, my visibility, my concerns and questions and random thoughts that make no sense. I hope it grows into a blog that explores a new love, a new relationship and the ups and downs that brings along with it.
Thanks for coming on for the ride. . . and yes. . .. better late then never\
Kat