And. . . back she is. . .

Over the past couple of months, I have been up and down, though I haven't talked much about it here. "K" had moved on with a new girlfriend, I realized that sleeping with men wasn't so appealing, but I wasn't sure where that left me. I guess alone.

One problem is K's friend is my employee. Sticky huh! I also have her on myspace, and so I get to hear and see little K updates all the time. Initially, I wasn't so bothered by it. I just figured that we weren't meant to be, move on. .. so be it.

Then I heard she had a girlfriend. . . and then came the day I saw pics of her snuggled with her girlfriend. Ouch. . . That . Freakin . Hurt! I tried to ignore it, I didn't think of her, I tried to bury myself into work more, but the truth is, late at night I would have dreams of her, I would regret not holding her, or touching her. .. I would wonder if I should have tried harder and would wake with this horrible feeling in my chest, an empty longing feeling. Sometimes I would remember something she said, or I would smell somebody who smelled like her. . . its been difficult.

Then. . . . she sent me a message. Simple enough, just said I was on her mind. I answered in a very casual manner. .. then Friday she told me she missed me, and that she didn't feel true to her gf because she wanted me, not her. I wasn't sure how to take this change of heart and to be honest I am a bit worried that it could jump back to where it was.

We talked a bit, ok, we talked alot. I let her know that I am not sure what I want now, that I am all over the map. . . but she insisted on talking about us. I asked her to come over after work on Friday, and not tell her girlfriend. I just don't want to start drama but I needed to look at her face to face, to see her, to look into her eyes and hear what she had to say. . .. as well as share my own heart.

She came over. . . I bought her some red wine and we sat on the couch and talked. . . . I refilled her wine glass, massaged her feet and listened as she told me the events of the past few months, and how much she wants to be with me . . . . how she sees us together in the future, for the long term. She cares. . . . she has feelings. . . . Everything that I wanted to hear for so long . . . I heard while she laid on my couch. . .

I took her to my bed and made love to her for hours. I had no idea she was as passionate and warm and erotic as she was. . . . We slept for a little bit, with my arms around her holding on for dear life. . . . then woke up and she met my children. . .. . strangely ackward as they haven't seen a woman in my bed in three years. . . .

and now, im confused and scared to death. . . as much as I want to believe in her, I don't know what to think. She has a girlfriend, I am seeing other people. . . I don't know that I want complete committment and babies right now (she wants a baby, and the idea of her having a child for us is oddly appealing to me. . . . ) but, if I give up my heart to her, then what. . .

I am terrified . . .