The Big C Word

Obviously this post isn't about women, or dating, or gender identity, confusion over sexual orientation or anything in that spectrum This post is about the word that you never ever want to hear. . . . Cancer.

I have always had irregular periods, and was diagnosed with PCOS in 1999, so I attributed my irregularity to that. I was lucky, in that I was able to concieve though I did have to take Clomid after the first three kiddos. Therefore, in March I had a period, and I didn't have one for months after that. In August I had about six days of pinkish spotting. I thought it was unusually because I expected a heavy period but I didn't think much either. I have noticed that my ovaries and pelvic area have hurt alot more, so I was batting around the idea of going in for a checkup to see if something had changed but. . . when your uninsured things like that take a back seat.

September came and so did a horribly painful and heavy period. I wasn't that surprised because it had been months, but it did mean several days at home due to heavy bleeding. I called the Dr. and made an appt to find out what to do to control it for the future. They did an exam, asked about the bleeding, (during the exam) and then prescribed birth control pills to control the bleeding. Three weeks went by and then the week before Halloween I began bleeding. . . . and bleeding. . . it was unlike anything else I have ever went through. The pain was so intense that I laid down and sobbed daily. I lost clots the size of grapefruits and eventually was so weak and dizzy I passed out in my hallway. This of course took me to the dr office, then the hospital, where they thought it was something hormonal. They increased the birth control pills and put me on a high dosage of progesterone and vitamins.

Problem is, I never stopped bleeding. . .. for the past five weeks I have bled heavily most days, the days I spotted I have lost tons of brownish fluid. Its like leaking amniotic fluid. Finally I went back to the dr once again who sent me to a different gynecologist (so fun when your uninsured!) she examined me and then sat down and drew a diagram. . . she charted out a diagram then said that she wanted to biopsy me right away, and began explaining that if the cancer was on one end of the spectrum she could treat me hormonally and with medication, on the other end would be a referral to a gynecological oncologist and full hysterectomy.

I sat there in shock. .. . I am still in shock. What happened to the hormonal issues? What happened to taking a tiny pill? I was still thinking cervical cancer (which is what I lost my best friend to almost 2 years ago. . .. I was with her for the last ten days of her life. . . a tough image to have burned in my memory right now) but she corrected me and said no, she thinks I have endometrial cancer.

I am floored! I am only 33, she did say that this cancer is pretty rare in women my age, but when women my age have it, they also have PCOS and Diabetes (im one stage away from diabetes, hypoglycemic) However, when I started googling it, I see so many women in thier 20s and 30s that are diagnosed and treated for Endometrial cancer.

So. . .. I am trying to not panic but I can't help it. I am scared to death and can't even get the biopsy until the 19th of December! I am on a waiting list for a cancellation but it feels like its forever away, plus. . .. I don't want to be diagnosed on Christmas. . . or the 28th or 29th when Hannah and Jacobs birthday is.

So, what do you do for a month of waiting? Blog? Post symptoms? Maybe it could be something else?

My current symptoms:
Extreme low back pain
Pelvic pain ranging from a bloated feeling to sharp shooting pains
burning urination (no, not a UTI)
Bleeding and tons of discharge (usually watery and brown)
exhaustion unlike anything I have ever felt before (sleeping 11 hours then taking a nap)
Sore legs and joints (primarily knees, toes and wrists. . . strange I know)

So, I know she said that she will also test me for thyroid issues, hormone levels in general, something that I don't remember the name of and an ultrasound.

So, I sit, and I wait. And I panic. And I picture my babies without a mother. I think of having only one more Christmas. I notice every pain, every twinge, every spot of blood.

This is so unfair