Waiting

Im waiting for the hours to pass to go get the biopsy. Its amazing how your mind can just be completly engulfed by something. .. . I am so bitchy with the kids and my tolerance level is zero. I swear if one more person says "Your gonna be fine, your too young to have cancer" I think I may go postal and not put on my smile and say "oh your right. . . Im not concerned" because, that is my answer to everybody right now. I say that I am not worried, that I know its probably something minor, that I am sure all is ok. . . .

but I feel betrayed when I see the blood. . . the parts of my body falling out. This is from my womb, from the very place that nurtured and grew my five wonderful children. Why is it betraying me now? Why after nurturing my daughter when I was just 13. . . . why after recovering from a C-section. . . why after providing me with three more children. . . even staying so strong for a VBAC, why now is my womb betraying me?

Watching it change. . . some days bright blood. . . some days dark and heavy, some days full of tissue, some days a watery discharge. .. . What does that mean? Why can't it just stop? Why do I have to worry about cancer during a holiday season? Why do I have to feel so very alone in this world?

If I have this. . . and if I have to have surgery and treatment, my life as I know it will change. I am uninsured. . . . I don't have a large savings~ I have children and every piece of my income goes to them. How will I work ? How wll I pay my rent and buy food? How will I pay for medication and treatment? I don't think I am scared of the pain, I think I am terrified at the prospect of taking care of my children. I know I am getting ahead of myself, they haven't diagnosed me yet but as I lie in my bed with a heating pad on my back and pelvic area, whimpering over the pain . . . . I know that something serious is wrong with me. I went through 4 unmedicated births yet I am doubled over due to this.

And, above all, im alone . . . always. My mom offered to take off work and go with me, but other then that she just says "your fine, dont worry about it, your gonna make yourself sick worrying. . . " My daughter that is 18 just wanted to make sure I could still babysit her son today so she could go to school. . .. Kelly offered but after all we have been through the last thing I can imagine is having her with me. My friend Corny offered but I don't think I want a man with me while they are biopsying me. . . so excuses? Maybe. . . but either way I am going alone. . .

and, all the time, I am having horrible dreams and memories of Shawny going through this a couple of years ago. . . she was also alone. I found out she had cancer when she was so sick she was sent home on hospice. I spent my weekends with her. . . and promised to be there when she passed. . . I spent the last ten days by her side. . . holding her, helping with medication, trying to make her comfortable. I know now a tiny piece of how she must have been feeling. As much as I am grateful that I could be there with her for her cancer, I wish that I didn't have those images in my mind as I go to get tested for the very same thing. . . .

Life is cruel . . . .