What the HELL?

See, this is why identity is so difficult in my life. How can you choose or define an identity when its always changing?? Now. . . . for most of my life I tried to be straight. I then began dating women and defined myself as lesbian. I hated the term bisexual because it sounded like a game, like it was mocking the passion and sensuality and bonds between women. I knew so many women who were bisexual, but to them it meant that they liked to have relationships with men, yet have sex with women. Now. . . I was so not interested in that. Over the past few years, it has become more and more clear that I am lesbian. I have slowly come to realize that I haven't been happy with men, with the relationships, the power struggles, the sexuality was a complete turnoff. I figured. . . ok I am lesbian. BUT. . . I have struggled with some areas there as well. In class one day, I was introduced to the concept of pansexual, which made sense. My understanding is that its basically saying "I am attracted to who is on the inside, and the outside package/gender doesn't matter.

That was the first time this has made sense to me. Now, I still assumed that the outside package would be a woman, because, I like women. I don't like men. I don't fantasize about men, I don't really think much of men in a romantic type of way.

And then, I have to get completely blindsided. I am interested in a historic region of the country, because of the history, the music, the food, the culture and more. I have finally decided to just go visit, and experience this for myself. I was posting on a website asking for some information and stumbled into a discussion with a man from there, who teaches sociology (what my degree is in) who is completely out of the box. . . he is biracial, has dreds to his waist, is politically active and vocal, is very equality based, a single father. . . and I find myself completely attracted to him. It is REALLY wierd! I can honestly say that I have never felt this attraction for anybody, regardless of gender.

We began talking on the phone. . . . first about history, food, music, culture, sociology and have found that our lives parallel each others. We are both reformed "bad kids", we both returned to school later, studied the same subjects, are single parents, have same political interests, even down to marching the same marches for the same people. This is insane and I don't know what to think about it. I find myself longing to look at his pictures, I googled the hell out of him so that I could make sure he is. . .. who he says he is. We have moved into calling each other for hours at night, usually a minimum of three hours on the phone. . . . I have no idea what to make of this situation.

A part of me wants to say no, to hold to my grounds of loving women, of continuing my hope that a wonderful loving woman will walk into my life and share the same interests as me. And then. . . I think why be so limiting, that we get one life, and that if we were to meet and hit it off, why would I put limits on my life like that. I don't know what to do. . . . . I don't know what to think. . . .. I don't know . . . . . Something like this has never ever happened in my life. . .

The most interesting, fascinating, terrifying and exhilerating part? He just bought a ticket. . . he will be here to meet me in person in three weeks

OH

MY

GOD

And then again. . .

Well. . . . after a week of not speaking. . . followed by a few text messages, I finally called her today. It was good, we talked about my feelings of her not wanting us to be together, she talked about her feelings. . . and we are meeting for lunch tomorrow. Hmmmm that should be interesting!

Tomorrow I have my orientation for grad school. I am starting to get really nervous now. What am I thinking? Single with four kids at home and a full time job and I am going to grad school ?!? On the other hand, can it be worse then full time college was? This program is a part time grad program, compared to a full time load at the local university. I think I can do it, but its really hard to sign on the line for three more years. . .

Oh, and well, since I didn't do well on getting a girlfriend. . . I got this instead. . .

Meet Sasha. . . named after Barack Obama's daughter. Actually truth be told, I didn't want a cat at all. We aren't even allowed pets in the house I rent. However. . . . during a board meeting I get a text message from my 13 year old with a picture of this tiny kitten and a message that says "I found a kitty I want to keep her!"

Of course, the practical person I am, I said "NO!" and by the time I got home several hours later, she still had the cat. We went to find the owner, and it ended up being some scary people that are known to be cruel to animals (we lived close to them before and could hear the disruption in this house!) They were adamant that they didn't want the cat because she was able to get their bird cage open.

I couldn't tell the four little sets of eyes no. They were pleading and sooooo worried about this tiny little kitty with no tail. I gave in. Makiah sobbed. . . the others jumped up and down. I spent 60 bucks on pet supplies. What am I thinking???

Oh, and the best part *insert sarcasm here* The cat refuses to sleep anywhere other then on my pillow with her paws in my hair.

If I wasn't a better person. . . I'd make a really crass joke about now. . . .