A mom's struggle with identity

impatiently waiting

2008-12-01T07:40:00.000-08:00

Today is day five. . . I know she said that the biopsy wouldn't be back until Thursday probably but, I can't help but think it could come any moment. I'm anxious. . . its almost like waiting for a pregnancy test except the results aren't near as joyful. Unless they come out negative!

I'm convincing myself that this is all going to be some strange and easily solved issue. Its hard to keep that in focus while the blood continues to pour though. This is going on 7 weeks now. . . My body hurts, I'm tired. I'm ready for the next step~ Healing!

My kids have been doing a fabulous job of distracting me though! Hannah draws pictures and makes books and leaves them all over the house. She likes to copy things out of magazines then glue them together to make a book. The latest is a mix of dinosaurs and whales. Katie is being super helpful, cleaning up, rubbing my feet when I am down,

Oh and Jacob? Yes, hes helpful . . . . he decided to have a rock throwing contest with the neighborhood kids. . . and threw a rock RIGHT through the back window of the van.

So much for Christmas this year. Between the window and the medical problems. . .. they are getting rocks

Biopsy done. . . bloodwork done. . . next is ultrasound

2008-11-27T10:59:00.000-08:00

Well,

I arrived at the dr. office yesterday in pretty good spirits. Come to find out I have some limited insurance through my university that I didn't even know about. That made me feel much much better, as they pay 75%. I actually almost threw the card out and then decided to check at the last minute, and sure enough; I have insurance! Granted, it won't cover much for anything major but for now, it was enough to make me feel positive.

So, I got seated in the room, and my sweet wonderful Dr. came in. I feel lucky that I have been able to get to know her in the community due to my line of work. I feel safe and trust her completely. She offered to give me a shot that would make me pain-free for 8 hours, but I was worried about side effects since I have been having increasing allergies. Instead I told her just to go for it, and I would make it.

So, if your squimish, stop reading here. .. . the short version is I will know in a week. If your wanting to know what the biopsy was truly like. .. . I will go step by step and tell the gory details. I am doing this because I couldn't find it anywhere on the web, and I felt uncomfortable going into it blind.

So, I lie back on the table like a regular pap. She said the good news is my cervix was open so that wouldn't be a problem. Some women aren't open enough to be able to insert the tubing. Next she showed me the thin catheter, similar to a straw but flexible and soft. It sorta reminded me of a pipette in high school science. She dipped it into lidocane and then inserted it into my cervix. . . . OUCH! I'm not going to lie, this does not feel good at all, sorta like a pinch but with serious cramping at the same time. At that point she said we had to wait three minutes for the medication to take effect. She gathered supplies during that time and then told me to get ready to go again. At this point she tried again but all she could get was blood and clots, it was. . . . disgusting. . . to say the least. She said "excuse me while I do some housekeeping" and I could watch as she removed blood and clots from me. She then went one more time, and I almost came off the bed. She said at that point she was fairly sure she got tissue, and that she wasn't going to try again. She removed the speculum and then said she had to feel my uterus. I thought she must have slipped and bumped her head because my uterus was in no shape to have a discussion of massage.

But, she chucked and said "im a gynecologist, of course im going to feel your uterus" well, the first part was uncomfortable but ok then she went to my left side and I almost jumped off the bed again. She said "OH! That feels like a very large fibroid right there" and then made a size of a large grapefruit. . . or a small melon, with her hands. She drew a little diagram of the different ways that a fibroid can be located and cause discomfort. She said shed like to see me under ultrasound and see if she could tell. She said it could also just be that my uterus was full of blood and clots and have some hard feelings to it. So, I went to stand up and get dressed but she had me stop. . .. I looked down and saw why. It was soooo bloody and so many clots, that it had to be cleaned before I could even stand up. YUCK! Overall the biopsy wasn't extremely painful but it certainly wasn't comfortable and I wouldn't want to do it again.

So, we walked down the hallway and she tried a vaginal ultrasound, but by then it was so uncomfortable. . . I tried to sit still but she couldn't see much at all. The u/s machine was older and there was alot of blood, so she said that she would rather me go into the hospital and have a complete ultrasound in a few days after the biopsy had time to heal and we could see more. She patted my leg and told me how brave I was, and for some crazy reason that made me feel so much better. I have been struggling with being sick and thinking maybe I am just crazy and making it all up in my mind. . .. She reassured me that she could see that this was painful and I had every reason to be unhappy.

After that, I was set up with an Ultrasound for Tuesday, followed by lab draws for so many vials of blood I thought I would need a transfusion. Either way, I should have an answer by next Friday.

Hopefully. . .. its a small fibroid and can be fixed with medication or ? Something? Anything but Cancer. . . . please. Please God?

Waiting

2008-11-26T09:18:00.001-08:00

Im waiting for the hours to pass to go get the biopsy. Its amazing how your mind can just be completly engulfed by something. .. . I am so bitchy with the kids and my tolerance level is zero. I swear if one more person says "Your gonna be fine, your too young to have cancer" I think I may go postal and not put on my smile and say "oh your right. . . Im not concerned" because, that is my answer to everybody right now. I say that I am not worried, that I know its probably something minor, that I am sure all is ok. . . .

but I feel betrayed when I see the blood. . . the parts of my body falling out. This is from my womb, from the very place that nurtured and grew my five wonderful children. Why is it betraying me now? Why after nurturing my daughter when I was just 13. . . . why after recovering from a C-section. . . why after providing me with three more children. . . even staying so strong for a VBAC, why now is my womb betraying me?

Watching it change. . . some days bright blood. . . some days dark and heavy, some days full of tissue, some days a watery discharge. .. . What does that mean? Why can't it just stop? Why do I have to worry about cancer during a holiday season? Why do I have to feel so very alone in this world?

If I have this. . . and if I have to have surgery and treatment, my life as I know it will change. I am uninsured. . . . I don't have a large savings~ I have children and every piece of my income goes to them. How will I work ? How wll I pay my rent and buy food? How will I pay for medication and treatment? I don't think I am scared of the pain, I think I am terrified at the prospect of taking care of my children. I know I am getting ahead of myself, they haven't diagnosed me yet but as I lie in my bed with a heating pad on my back and pelvic area, whimpering over the pain . . . . I know that something serious is wrong with me. I went through 4 unmedicated births yet I am doubled over due to this.

And, above all, im alone . . . always. My mom offered to take off work and go with me, but other then that she just says "your fine, dont worry about it, your gonna make yourself sick worrying. . . " My daughter that is 18 just wanted to make sure I could still babysit her son today so she could go to school. . .. Kelly offered but after all we have been through the last thing I can imagine is having her with me. My friend Corny offered but I don't think I want a man with me while they are biopsying me. . . so excuses? Maybe. . . but either way I am going alone. . .

and, all the time, I am having horrible dreams and memories of Shawny going through this a couple of years ago. . . she was also alone. I found out she had cancer when she was so sick she was sent home on hospice. I spent my weekends with her. . . and promised to be there when she passed. . . I spent the last ten days by her side. . . holding her, helping with medication, trying to make her comfortable. I know now a tiny piece of how she must have been feeling. As much as I am grateful that I could be there with her for her cancer, I wish that I didn't have those images in my mind as I go to get tested for the very same thing. . . .

Life is cruel . . . .

Biopsy Tomorrow

2008-11-25T06:21:00.000-08:00

I guess I should be glad. . . . the Dr. office called back and said that they want to do the biopsy on Wednesday. While I am relieved that its going to be done and over, and hoping finally between the biopsy and blood tests they will figure something out. . . . on the other hand I am scared at what the answer may be. I wish this would have happened after the holidays, it just feels like a tough season to be facing questions like this.

But I am going to stay positive, pray that it is something simple and easy to fix. . . . something. . .. anything that doesn't include cancer in the title. . .. thyroid? Hormones? PCOS? whatever. . . .

So, I will sit. . . and wait . . .

The Big C Word

2008-11-22T18:48:00.001-08:00

Obviously this post isn't about women, or dating, or gender identity, confusion over sexual orientation or anything in that spectrum This post is about the word that you never ever want to hear. . . . Cancer.

I have always had irregular periods, and was diagnosed with PCOS in 1999, so I attributed my irregularity to that. I was lucky, in that I was able to concieve though I did have to take Clomid after the first three kiddos. Therefore, in March I had a period, and I didn't have one for months after that. In August I had about six days of pinkish spotting. I thought it was unusually because I expected a heavy period but I didn't think much either. I have noticed that my ovaries and pelvic area have hurt alot more, so I was batting around the idea of going in for a checkup to see if something had changed but. . . when your uninsured things like that take a back seat.

September came and so did a horribly painful and heavy period. I wasn't that surprised because it had been months, but it did mean several days at home due to heavy bleeding. I called the Dr. and made an appt to find out what to do to control it for the future. They did an exam, asked about the bleeding, (during the exam) and then prescribed birth control pills to control the bleeding. Three weeks went by and then the week before Halloween I began bleeding. . . . and bleeding. . . it was unlike anything else I have ever went through. The pain was so intense that I laid down and sobbed daily. I lost clots the size of grapefruits and eventually was so weak and dizzy I passed out in my hallway. This of course took me to the dr office, then the hospital, where they thought it was something hormonal. They increased the birth control pills and put me on a high dosage of progesterone and vitamins.

Problem is, I never stopped bleeding. . .. for the past five weeks I have bled heavily most days, the days I spotted I have lost tons of brownish fluid. Its like leaking amniotic fluid. Finally I went back to the dr once again who sent me to a different gynecologist (so fun when your uninsured!) she examined me and then sat down and drew a diagram. . . she charted out a diagram then said that she wanted to biopsy me right away, and began explaining that if the cancer was on one end of the spectrum she could treat me hormonally and with medication, on the other end would be a referral to a gynecological oncologist and full hysterectomy.

I sat there in shock. .. . I am still in shock. What happened to the hormonal issues? What happened to taking a tiny pill? I was still thinking cervical cancer (which is what I lost my best friend to almost 2 years ago. . .. I was with her for the last ten days of her life. . . a tough image to have burned in my memory right now) but she corrected me and said no, she thinks I have endometrial cancer.

I am floored! I am only 33, she did say that this cancer is pretty rare in women my age, but when women my age have it, they also have PCOS and Diabetes (im one stage away from diabetes, hypoglycemic) However, when I started googling it, I see so many women in thier 20s and 30s that are diagnosed and treated for Endometrial cancer.

So. . .. I am trying to not panic but I can't help it. I am scared to death and can't even get the biopsy until the 19th of December! I am on a waiting list for a cancellation but it feels like its forever away, plus. . .. I don't want to be diagnosed on Christmas. . . or the 28th or 29th when Hannah and Jacobs birthday is.

So, what do you do for a month of waiting? Blog? Post symptoms? Maybe it could be something else?

My current symptoms:
Extreme low back pain
Pelvic pain ranging from a bloated feeling to sharp shooting pains
burning urination (no, not a UTI)
Bleeding and tons of discharge (usually watery and brown)
exhaustion unlike anything I have ever felt before (sleeping 11 hours then taking a nap)
Sore legs and joints (primarily knees, toes and wrists. . . strange I know)

So, I know she said that she will also test me for thyroid issues, hormone levels in general, something that I don't remember the name of and an ultrasound.

So, I sit, and I wait. And I panic. And I picture my babies without a mother. I think of having only one more Christmas. I notice every pain, every twinge, every spot of blood.

This is so unfair

And. . . back she is. . .

2008-11-09T07:57:00.000-08:00

Over the past couple of months, I have been up and down, though I haven't talked much about it here. "K" had moved on with a new girlfriend, I realized that sleeping with men wasn't so appealing, but I wasn't sure where that left me. I guess alone.

One problem is K's friend is my employee. Sticky huh! I also have her on myspace, and so I get to hear and see little K updates all the time. Initially, I wasn't so bothered by it. I just figured that we weren't meant to be, move on. .. so be it.

Then I heard she had a girlfriend. . . and then came the day I saw pics of her snuggled with her girlfriend. Ouch. . . That . Freakin . Hurt! I tried to ignore it, I didn't think of her, I tried to bury myself into work more, but the truth is, late at night I would have dreams of her, I would regret not holding her, or touching her. .. I would wonder if I should have tried harder and would wake with this horrible feeling in my chest, an empty longing feeling. Sometimes I would remember something she said, or I would smell somebody who smelled like her. . . its been difficult.

Then. . . . she sent me a message. Simple enough, just said I was on her mind. I answered in a very casual manner. .. then Friday she told me she missed me, and that she didn't feel true to her gf because she wanted me, not her. I wasn't sure how to take this change of heart and to be honest I am a bit worried that it could jump back to where it was.

We talked a bit, ok, we talked alot. I let her know that I am not sure what I want now, that I am all over the map. . . but she insisted on talking about us. I asked her to come over after work on Friday, and not tell her girlfriend. I just don't want to start drama but I needed to look at her face to face, to see her, to look into her eyes and hear what she had to say. . .. as well as share my own heart.

She came over. . . I bought her some red wine and we sat on the couch and talked. . . . I refilled her wine glass, massaged her feet and listened as she told me the events of the past few months, and how much she wants to be with me . . . . how she sees us together in the future, for the long term. She cares. . . . she has feelings. . . . Everything that I wanted to hear for so long . . . I heard while she laid on my couch. . .

I took her to my bed and made love to her for hours. I had no idea she was as passionate and warm and erotic as she was. . . . We slept for a little bit, with my arms around her holding on for dear life. . . . then woke up and she met my children. . .. . strangely ackward as they haven't seen a woman in my bed in three years. . . .

and now, im confused and scared to death. . . as much as I want to believe in her, I don't know what to think. She has a girlfriend, I am seeing other people. . . I don't know that I want complete committment and babies right now (she wants a baby, and the idea of her having a child for us is oddly appealing to me. . . . ) but, if I give up my heart to her, then what. . .

I am terrified . . .

The visit

2008-10-23T22:04:00.000-07:00

So,
What to say? First, I should say that I shouldn't say anything because I am drunk as hell, and I am one who never gets drunk. . . .. therefore typing while drinking should be against the law.

So, he came for a visit, and I was assured that yes. . . I am indeed a lesbian. I dunno what I was thinking? Maybe because he was on the phone and a sociologist I thought I could get over it but. . .. no I guess I can't?

We were eh. . . . intimate.

It didn't work for me, at all.

I kept thinking of the sensuality of the women I have known. . ..

I think that I get confused between truly enjoying somebodys company and finding myself turned on by them. As in . . . I love talking to him! He is amazing and truth be told. . . hes the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on . . . .He is huge and black and has dreds to his waist. He speaks of race, class and gender issues, he is a radical liberal. . . .. all things that turn me on but. . . in the end, hes a man.

and, I am a woman who loves women. . . .

nuff said

What the HELL?

2008-09-26T20:57:00.000-07:00

See, this is why identity is so difficult in my life. How can you choose or define an identity when its always changing?? Now. . . . for most of my life I tried to be straight. I then began dating women and defined myself as lesbian. I hated the term bisexual because it sounded like a game, like it was mocking the passion and sensuality and bonds between women. I knew so many women who were bisexual, but to them it meant that they liked to have relationships with men, yet have sex with women. Now. . . I was so not interested in that. Over the past few years, it has become more and more clear that I am lesbian. I have slowly come to realize that I haven't been happy with men, with the relationships, the power struggles, the sexuality was a complete turnoff. I figured. . . ok I am lesbian. BUT. . . I have struggled with some areas there as well. In class one day, I was introduced to the concept of pansexual, which made sense. My understanding is that its basically saying "I am attracted to who is on the inside, and the outside package/gender doesn't matter.

That was the first time this has made sense to me. Now, I still assumed that the outside package would be a woman, because, I like women. I don't like men. I don't fantasize about men, I don't really think much of men in a romantic type of way.

And then, I have to get completely blindsided. I am interested in a historic region of the country, because of the history, the music, the food, the culture and more. I have finally decided to just go visit, and experience this for myself. I was posting on a website asking for some information and stumbled into a discussion with a man from there, who teaches sociology (what my degree is in) who is completely out of the box. . . he is biracial, has dreds to his waist, is politically active and vocal, is very equality based, a single father. . . and I find myself completely attracted to him. It is REALLY wierd! I can honestly say that I have never felt this attraction for anybody, regardless of gender.

We began talking on the phone. . . . first about history, food, music, culture, sociology and have found that our lives parallel each others. We are both reformed "bad kids", we both returned to school later, studied the same subjects, are single parents, have same political interests, even down to marching the same marches for the same people. This is insane and I don't know what to think about it. I find myself longing to look at his pictures, I googled the hell out of him so that I could make sure he is. . .. who he says he is. We have moved into calling each other for hours at night, usually a minimum of three hours on the phone. . . . I have no idea what to make of this situation.

A part of me wants to say no, to hold to my grounds of loving women, of continuing my hope that a wonderful loving woman will walk into my life and share the same interests as me. And then. . . I think why be so limiting, that we get one life, and that if we were to meet and hit it off, why would I put limits on my life like that. I don't know what to do. . . . . I don't know what to think. . . .. I don't know . . . . . Something like this has never ever happened in my life. . .

The most interesting, fascinating, terrifying and exhilerating part? He just bought a ticket. . . he will be here to meet me in person in three weeks

OH

MY

GOD

And then again. . .

2008-09-14T17:13:00.000-07:00

Well. . . . after a week of not speaking. . . followed by a few text messages, I finally called her today. It was good, we talked about my feelings of her not wanting us to be together, she talked about her feelings. . . and we are meeting for lunch tomorrow. Hmmmm that should be interesting!

Tomorrow I have my orientation for grad school. I am starting to get really nervous now. What am I thinking? Single with four kids at home and a full time job and I am going to grad school ?!? On the other hand, can it be worse then full time college was? This program is a part time grad program, compared to a full time load at the local university. I think I can do it, but its really hard to sign on the line for three more years. . .

Oh, and well, since I didn't do well on getting a girlfriend. . . I got this instead. . .

Meet Sasha. . . named after Barack Obama's daughter. Actually truth be told, I didn't want a cat at all. We aren't even allowed pets in the house I rent. However. . . . during a board meeting I get a text message from my 13 year old with a picture of this tiny kitten and a message that says "I found a kitty I want to keep her!"

Of course, the practical person I am, I said "NO!" and by the time I got home several hours later, she still had the cat. We went to find the owner, and it ended up being some scary people that are known to be cruel to animals (we lived close to them before and could hear the disruption in this house!) They were adamant that they didn't want the cat because she was able to get their bird cage open.

I couldn't tell the four little sets of eyes no. They were pleading and sooooo worried about this tiny little kitty with no tail. I gave in. Makiah sobbed. . . the others jumped up and down. I spent 60 bucks on pet supplies. What am I thinking???

Oh, and the best part *insert sarcasm here* The cat refuses to sleep anywhere other then on my pillow with her paws in my hair.

If I wasn't a better person. . . I'd make a really crass joke about now. . . .

Once again. . . .

2008-08-31T21:02:00.000-07:00

She didn't come for the birthday party.
She always does this, she can't make it to whatever it is we are doing or have made plans for. I would think this was just part of who she is except one little exception. . .

She makes plans and keeps them with everybody else. Friday night she was with friends playing some kinda video game and drinking beer. . . .

Last weekend she drove 3 hours away to go shopping with a friend and then went rafting the next day

Weekend before she went to Vegas with a friend

Weekend before was rafting and having a bbq.

OHHH and I found out in passing yesterday that even though we have been "seeing" eachother since April. . . . none of her coworkers know. . . in fact, very few of her friends know.

Guess I got my answer eh?

update on gender classes. . .

2008-08-28T18:33:00.000-07:00

After I wrote the last post, I had to really think about the class, the frustration I felt and the way that the information was presented. I decided to write a letter to the teacher who does most of the gender classes, if for no other reason, then to get it off of my chest. I was answered very quickly with more questions. Apparently I was confused, I thought this was a psychology class, but instead it was a Women's Studies class. OH! That made it that much worse. The good part of the issue is they are looking into replacing the instructor or working to ensure it is taught from a feminist perspective, the bad part is, I hate being the rabble rouser, the one to stir the pot or cause problems. I am glad that the department is taking it seriously though. . .

I realized today that I started this blog to talk about my coming out process, or, my saga. . . . depending on how you really look at it (can you truly come out for 12 years? lol) and the past few posts had nothing to do with the process. I guess its because not much is happening there, unfortunately!

I wrote below about the woman I have been seeing, but it feels like this relationship gets stalled at every turn. We made plans to go somewhere almost every weekend, yet every weekend there is some reason that she can't make it. I find my own level of frustration growing, as we have been seeing eachother now for over three months. . . . .yet there has been nothing physical between us yet. Nothing. . . . except a hug before she left for a weekend in Vegas. That was in the airport and the most platonic hug there could be.

I am so confused. . . I have told her that we can just be friends, but she claims to want more. I have went out many times without her, in groups of other women. She doesn't like it, yet she doesn't go herself. It is the most confusing situation! Is it excuses or is it truly situations that she encounters?

On the other hand, I find myself with a small sense of relief. As much as I want to move forward with this relationship, there is the other sense of being glad that I don't have to navigate around this relationship and the ramifications. I talk about her enough that my family now knows that I am seeing a woman, the kids know, they have her on "myspace". . . . go figure. . . .

Sunday, she meets my mother for the first time. THAT should be interesting!?! If anybody out there is the praying type, they should be praying on Sunday :) My daughter is having her birthday at a local Pizza place, and the whole family will be there. I told her yesterday that "K" was coming. Mom got very. . . very . . . quiet. Silent.

I said "mom, I think its a good time to meet her, thats ok right?" My mom didn't say much, finally she looked at me and said "Well, I guess I don't have a choice do I?"

Sunday isn't looking fun . . .

Gender Issues ~ Boys with painted nails

2008-08-24T09:10:00.000-07:00

This is somewhat of a rant, so if you don't want to hear a rant you can close this down now :) I just have been debating this class in my mind, and with a few other students, and I felt the need to get it down and put it out there. This seemed like a good place to do that.

I just took my last class to get my bachelors degree. It was called "gender:anger and empowerment". My degree was in sociology but my emphasis was in gender studies, so I assumed that this class would be similar to the others. Primarily the basis that gender is socially constructed, and that there aren't innate differences between males and females. I assumed that the teacher would be similar to my other teachers, very open, empowering and supportive of all genders/people/lifestyles etc.

Boy was I wrong. The whole class centered around "women do this _____" and "men do this ______". I was a bit surprised but I chose to not openly debate her, because I do think its good to remember how the bulk of americans think, and to remember the concepts that are so woven into the tapestry of our culture, that we no longer critically think about them.

At one point, though, the conversation shifted. She began to talk about single parents, and how hard of a job that it is. Now, personally I love being a single mother, and I think I have much more flexibility and freedom then most of my friends have, because I am able to choose to parent my children however I wish, to take them away for vacation or stay up late at night or whatever. . . . Its really up to me. Anyway. . . she then began talking about how women could NOT raise a son into adulthood, it simply doesn't work. Ever.

Excuse me?

I know many single mothers, many men who were raised by single mothers, many lesbian couples raising sons. How dare she say flat out that we can't do this by ourselves? At that point I became involved and asked how she could say that women can't raise a son without a man. Her answer was very simple. Boys need a man to learn how to be a man. If they aren't provided one by thier mother, then they will find one for themselves. Her example? Look at boys and gangs.

I feel offended and angry by this! I did argue the point, but she used an example within the class. She asked two men (large football players) what they would do if thier 13 year old son came home with painted nails. They both said they would ask why and tell him to take it off. She then asked them what they would do if thier sons wanted to go to the mall with painted nails to buy a skateboard. Thier answer was predictable... "Hell no" Her answer was that these men were teaching thier sons to be men, and to protect them from other men, because men are who hurt people.

I'm disgusted. Nowhere in this class on gender was there discussion of acceptance, of embracing all gendered emotions and issues. The class was taught on an assumption of heterosexuality (which many in the class were gay/lesbian). And. . . was very bitter against single parents.

I guess what I can be happy for, is that I don't ever have to set foot in her classroom again. I am moving on for my MSW, going to a different school. Nonetheless, its teaching like this that reinforces the gender binary. I wish it could be different for future students and we could teach from a place of inclusion.

2008-07-28T19:38:00.000-07:00

Sunday we decided to make tie dye socks and underwear. I go to Burningman every year, and its customary to bring gifts for people there but especially for the group you camp with. I wrestled with tons of ideas and then came up with the idea of tie dying socks and underwear, just for fun! Hannah (7) Jake (5) and Kiah (12) all helped. . . . we ended up with way too much pink, and not near enough yellows and greens, so we will have to do another batch or two. . .

Some of the finished creations

Jake busy taking bands off of socks he worked so hard on!

Here he is dying a shirt for him to wear, he looks way too serious!
Hannah and Jake are comparing ideas

Kiah is showing off her shirt for the Neville Brothers. That is all she wants for her 13th birthday, so I am driving her to Northern California for a show. She is uber excited!

It was a fun project, a bit messy, my hands are still purple!

As a side note, last night, my son slept with me and wanted to rub my back. Just as I dozed off to sleep we were having a conversation about what he wanted to be when he grows up. . . we discussed being a builder, drawing the buildings instead of building them, being a "baby animal doctor" and then, just as I was almost asleep he says. . . ."Mama, when Im all big, im gonna be gay and kiss all the boys and give them all massages like this. . . " Egads!

We had a discussion that he may be gay. . . . he may be a masseuse . . .. but could we please not be a gay masseuse that chases the boys around kissing them all. . .. oh good lord

Pride

2008-07-27T15:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our Pride celebration. I have been to Pride in Portland and in San Francisco, but never here in southern Oregon. I knew it wouldn't be near as large or exciting as the others, but I figured it was worth going anyhow. I signed up to work the democrat table and stump for the Stonewall Caucus.

It. Was. Boring.
Seriously. . . Kelly came with me, even though she isn't too political (she wasn't registered to vote *gasp* but we changed that quickly) anyway, the crowd. . . if you could call it that, was meager. The few outgoing and interesting people I met had come down from Eugene. I was pretty bummed.

There was a nice guy running the booth with me, who was curious why there was a lack of male presence at Pride, and why it was that there was what appeared to be predominately a lesbian culture here in southern Oregon, instead of a gay male culture. I noticed the same thing, all I can guess is that its even more hostile towards gay men then it is to lesbians. Hell it is taking me this long to finally be completely open and out, I can't imagine if I was a male. We discussed many reasons for this, personally, I think it has to do with gender expression. It is far easier for our society to accept a masculine woman then a feminine man. I think at least. . .

Kelly wasn't feeling well, put together with an obnoxious old friend pestering her, so she went home early. I was looking forward to the dance later, but. . . she decided not to go. I went alone, it sucked.

So much for exciting Pride event. Maybe Eugene will be better

K

Intro

2008-07-26T20:08:00.001-07:00

Well, here goes my intro to a new blog, Blogging certainly isn’t new to me, I kept a blog of my daughters pregnancy, and a blog of some of my own ups and downs, but now I want to shift of keeping a regular blog about my life, my identity, my kiddos, and a newly forming relationship. . .
About me? I am 32, a mama of five, though one is out of the home and on her own, with her boyfriend and father of her baby boy, who is almost two. I recently graduated college. . . yes I was a super super super senior, but I finally got my bachelors in Sociology and Women’s Studies. In October, I will start on my masters in social work, with intentions to become a therapist.
So, Why am I here? Good question, I’m glad you asked! I have learned over the past four years, since my divorce, that life is short. . . and its important to live in a way that is authentic to who we are. Part of that realization for me is to stop denying who I am. . . denying the part of me that is truly completely lesbian. I struggle off and on with the parts of me that are conflicting, and the concept of being a completely out lesbian is still one that I am digesting, even after all of these years and several ex-lovers.
There is history there, it isn’t as if I woke up and said “oh, im gay, whats for breakfast” no. . . and the whole idea of your “coming out story” is more of a saga with me. When I was a small child, I always thought that girls were pretty, as I grew older, and was introduced to the world of porn, I was fascinated with the pics of women. I had little interest in any men pictures, but loved the women and couldn’t get enough. Being the good christian girl I was, I would pray daily to stop thinking about how women looked. I don’t think I even considered I could be gay, nor did I really think of what I wanted to do with a woman, or what women did, I just knew that I wanted something . . . . and it had to do with them
As a young adult, I fantasized about women, and would make jokes that I was a straight girl who wanted to have sex with a woman. At 21, my first partner, Karen, made me realize just what was up with this fascinating world of being a lesbian. Three lovers later there was Tracy, and head over heels in love I fell. That terrified me. Up until Trace, I could easily pass off my lovers as experimenting, sensuality, fun or whatever. . . but nothing prepared me to actually fall for a woman.
The christian part of me felt terrified, I was battling a custody battle for my daughter, and was trying to keep the household together for my three children. I wanted to stop loving women and just to be “normal” and live a peaceful christian existence. I ended up pouring all of this out to my friend, whose suggestion was to get married to him, he would give me the stability I needed and all would work out. I followed that suggestion, and stayed married for five years, and two more babies.
During that marriage, I was haunted by what I was missing out on. As the dreams of women in my life would grow, the intensity I prayed and followed my religion would grow as well. I lived a double life in many ways, finding a lesbian practitioner, making online friends with lesbians, dreaming about other women, even encouraging him to buy porn in hopes that there would be lesbian scenes to pacify me. He often remarked that he knew I would leave him for a woman, but I was steadfast that I would remain married at all costs, and kept attending church, homeschooling, and pretending I was the hetero mother of five that I appeared as.
That marriage ended, not due to my identity, but due to abuse in the family. All of a sudden, I was single, with five kids, the court took his rights to see his children away, so I was completely on my own. I think I knew I was bound to be with a woman again, however, I tried to resist. I had all the stories. . . gay people are mentally ill, going to hell, perverted, it would hurt the children. . . . you name it, I heard it.
Then, I became a sociology major. As I immersed myself in studying sociology, I found myself rapidly digesting everything I could on gender, identity, sexuality, and the connections with class, religion and culture. I began tentatively dating women again, but secretly, with nobody knowing other then my best friend in Washington, who I think thought maybe I was confused, hurt, or searching. I kept my facade of hterosexuality up, by staying in a terrible relationship with an alocholic man, which, verified that I was hetero, at least to the outside world, and very often to myself. I kept waiting for this “thing” to go away.
I ended up in one bad lesbian relationship, and while the relationship was horrible, and had some bad consequences, in the beginning, I found that I was happier and more content then I had ever been before. One night, we shared a bubble bath, with candles and conversation and I thought to myself. . . that it was surely criminal to have such a wonderful time. I knew then, that this was far more central to who I was, then the hetero christian I attempted to be.
That relationship ended, and for the past two years, I have primarily stayed single, though the dysfunctional relationship with a male had remained most of the time. It was non-sexual, just a very codependant/passive aggressive type of a relationship. One that both of us played on in unhealthy ways. Finally I realized that it was toxic, and I had to leave. . . . which brings me to the present.
One night, in a late night of boredom and feeling intensely isolated, I decided to place a lesbian personals ad. It basically was short and quite simple. I had many replies, none that seemed too interesting to me. And then, there was one that stood out. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, as it was decidedly “girly” and was from a mama of one child, who had a similar situation as I did, and was looking for somebody as well.
Well, we began long emails, then proceeded to talk online. . . at this point, I wanted to get my hopes up, but I was very unsure still. I hadn’t really seen her, and she was definately a girly girl. . . add to that she has a daughter, and my own ups and downs. . . .I basically got scared. Really. Really. Scared. . . .
So, I did what any strong woman does, I ran. I stopped responding, went on vacation, tried to forget about this woman at home with the great conversation, but, as you can imagine, it just didn’t work so well. I came home, started chatting with her again. . . which led to a phone call. . . which led to many more. . . but then, the time to meet came and, once again, I flaked. *smacking myself in the forehead here*
But, she kept calling, and so we decided to meet at an event where several women were gathering. I was so nervous, and worried I wouldn’t know it was her. Finally, she showed up and wow. . . was I impressed! Since that time, we talk daily on the phone, have went out several times and are building a strong friendship. I am building this relationship slowly, and examining the emotions and concerns that come up within me as they arise.
This is a huge process. HUGE. Even coming out, once again, is huge. It isn’t as if it takes anybody by surprise but its easier to identify as lesbian if you don’t have a partner. . . having a partner makes you visible. No more hiding. . .

So, this blog is about me, my identity, my visibility, my concerns and questions and random thoughts that make no sense. I hope it grows into a blog that explores a new love, a new relationship and the ups and downs that brings along with it.
Thanks for coming on for the ride. . . and yes. . .. better late then never\
Kat