Today is day five. . . I know she said that the biopsy wouldn't be back until Thursday probably but, I can't help but think it could come any moment. I'm anxious. . . its almost like waiting for a pregnancy test except the results aren't near as joyful. Unless they come out negative!
I'm convincing myself that this is all going to be some strange and easily solved issue. Its hard to keep that in focus while the blood continues to pour though. This is going on 7 weeks now. . . My body hurts, I'm tired. I'm ready for the next step~ Healing!
My kids have been doing a fabulous job of distracting me though! Hannah draws pictures and makes books and leaves them all over the house. She likes to copy things out of magazines then glue them together to make a book. The latest is a mix of dinosaurs and whales. Katie is being super helpful, cleaning up, rubbing my feet when I am down,
Oh and Jacob? Yes, hes helpful . . . . he decided to have a rock throwing contest with the neighborhood kids. . . and threw a rock RIGHT through the back window of the van.
So much for Christmas this year. Between the window and the medical problems. . .. they are getting rocks
Monday, December 1, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Biopsy done. . . bloodwork done. . . next is ultrasound
Well,
I arrived at the dr. office yesterday in pretty good spirits. Come to find out I have some limited insurance through my university that I didn't even know about. That made me feel much much better, as they pay 75%. I actually almost threw the card out and then decided to check at the last minute, and sure enough; I have insurance! Granted, it won't cover much for anything major but for now, it was enough to make me feel positive.
So, I got seated in the room, and my sweet wonderful Dr. came in. I feel lucky that I have been able to get to know her in the community due to my line of work. I feel safe and trust her completely. She offered to give me a shot that would make me pain-free for 8 hours, but I was worried about side effects since I have been having increasing allergies. Instead I told her just to go for it, and I would make it.
So, if your squimish, stop reading here. .. . the short version is I will know in a week. If your wanting to know what the biopsy was truly like. .. . I will go step by step and tell the gory details. I am doing this because I couldn't find it anywhere on the web, and I felt uncomfortable going into it blind.
So, I lie back on the table like a regular pap. She said the good news is my cervix was open so that wouldn't be a problem. Some women aren't open enough to be able to insert the tubing. Next she showed me the thin catheter, similar to a straw but flexible and soft. It sorta reminded me of a pipette in high school science. She dipped it into lidocane and then inserted it into my cervix. . . . OUCH! I'm not going to lie, this does not feel good at all, sorta like a pinch but with serious cramping at the same time. At that point she said we had to wait three minutes for the medication to take effect. She gathered supplies during that time and then told me to get ready to go again. At this point she tried again but all she could get was blood and clots, it was. . . . disgusting. . . to say the least. She said "excuse me while I do some housekeeping" and I could watch as she removed blood and clots from me. She then went one more time, and I almost came off the bed. She said at that point she was fairly sure she got tissue, and that she wasn't going to try again. She removed the speculum and then said she had to feel my uterus. I thought she must have slipped and bumped her head because my uterus was in no shape to have a discussion of massage.
But, she chucked and said "im a gynecologist, of course im going to feel your uterus" well, the first part was uncomfortable but ok then she went to my left side and I almost jumped off the bed again. She said "OH! That feels like a very large fibroid right there" and then made a size of a large grapefruit. . . or a small melon, with her hands. She drew a little diagram of the different ways that a fibroid can be located and cause discomfort. She said shed like to see me under ultrasound and see if she could tell. She said it could also just be that my uterus was full of blood and clots and have some hard feelings to it. So, I went to stand up and get dressed but she had me stop. . .. I looked down and saw why. It was soooo bloody and so many clots, that it had to be cleaned before I could even stand up. YUCK! Overall the biopsy wasn't extremely painful but it certainly wasn't comfortable and I wouldn't want to do it again.
So, we walked down the hallway and she tried a vaginal ultrasound, but by then it was so uncomfortable. . . I tried to sit still but she couldn't see much at all. The u/s machine was older and there was alot of blood, so she said that she would rather me go into the hospital and have a complete ultrasound in a few days after the biopsy had time to heal and we could see more. She patted my leg and told me how brave I was, and for some crazy reason that made me feel so much better. I have been struggling with being sick and thinking maybe I am just crazy and making it all up in my mind. . .. She reassured me that she could see that this was painful and I had every reason to be unhappy.
After that, I was set up with an Ultrasound for Tuesday, followed by lab draws for so many vials of blood I thought I would need a transfusion. Either way, I should have an answer by next Friday.
Hopefully. . .. its a small fibroid and can be fixed with medication or ? Something? Anything but Cancer. . . . please. Please God?
I arrived at the dr. office yesterday in pretty good spirits. Come to find out I have some limited insurance through my university that I didn't even know about. That made me feel much much better, as they pay 75%. I actually almost threw the card out and then decided to check at the last minute, and sure enough; I have insurance! Granted, it won't cover much for anything major but for now, it was enough to make me feel positive.
So, I got seated in the room, and my sweet wonderful Dr. came in. I feel lucky that I have been able to get to know her in the community due to my line of work. I feel safe and trust her completely. She offered to give me a shot that would make me pain-free for 8 hours, but I was worried about side effects since I have been having increasing allergies. Instead I told her just to go for it, and I would make it.
So, if your squimish, stop reading here. .. . the short version is I will know in a week. If your wanting to know what the biopsy was truly like. .. . I will go step by step and tell the gory details. I am doing this because I couldn't find it anywhere on the web, and I felt uncomfortable going into it blind.
So, I lie back on the table like a regular pap. She said the good news is my cervix was open so that wouldn't be a problem. Some women aren't open enough to be able to insert the tubing. Next she showed me the thin catheter, similar to a straw but flexible and soft. It sorta reminded me of a pipette in high school science. She dipped it into lidocane and then inserted it into my cervix. . . . OUCH! I'm not going to lie, this does not feel good at all, sorta like a pinch but with serious cramping at the same time. At that point she said we had to wait three minutes for the medication to take effect. She gathered supplies during that time and then told me to get ready to go again. At this point she tried again but all she could get was blood and clots, it was. . . . disgusting. . . to say the least. She said "excuse me while I do some housekeeping" and I could watch as she removed blood and clots from me. She then went one more time, and I almost came off the bed. She said at that point she was fairly sure she got tissue, and that she wasn't going to try again. She removed the speculum and then said she had to feel my uterus. I thought she must have slipped and bumped her head because my uterus was in no shape to have a discussion of massage.
But, she chucked and said "im a gynecologist, of course im going to feel your uterus" well, the first part was uncomfortable but ok then she went to my left side and I almost jumped off the bed again. She said "OH! That feels like a very large fibroid right there" and then made a size of a large grapefruit. . . or a small melon, with her hands. She drew a little diagram of the different ways that a fibroid can be located and cause discomfort. She said shed like to see me under ultrasound and see if she could tell. She said it could also just be that my uterus was full of blood and clots and have some hard feelings to it. So, I went to stand up and get dressed but she had me stop. . .. I looked down and saw why. It was soooo bloody and so many clots, that it had to be cleaned before I could even stand up. YUCK! Overall the biopsy wasn't extremely painful but it certainly wasn't comfortable and I wouldn't want to do it again.
So, we walked down the hallway and she tried a vaginal ultrasound, but by then it was so uncomfortable. . . I tried to sit still but she couldn't see much at all. The u/s machine was older and there was alot of blood, so she said that she would rather me go into the hospital and have a complete ultrasound in a few days after the biopsy had time to heal and we could see more. She patted my leg and told me how brave I was, and for some crazy reason that made me feel so much better. I have been struggling with being sick and thinking maybe I am just crazy and making it all up in my mind. . .. She reassured me that she could see that this was painful and I had every reason to be unhappy.
After that, I was set up with an Ultrasound for Tuesday, followed by lab draws for so many vials of blood I thought I would need a transfusion. Either way, I should have an answer by next Friday.
Hopefully. . .. its a small fibroid and can be fixed with medication or ? Something? Anything but Cancer. . . . please. Please God?
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Waiting
Im waiting for the hours to pass to go get the biopsy. Its amazing how your mind can just be completly engulfed by something. .. . I am so bitchy with the kids and my tolerance level is zero. I swear if one more person says "Your gonna be fine, your too young to have cancer" I think I may go postal and not put on my smile and say "oh your right. . . Im not concerned" because, that is my answer to everybody right now. I say that I am not worried, that I know its probably something minor, that I am sure all is ok. . . .
but I feel betrayed when I see the blood. . . the parts of my body falling out. This is from my womb, from the very place that nurtured and grew my five wonderful children. Why is it betraying me now? Why after nurturing my daughter when I was just 13. . . . why after recovering from a C-section. . . why after providing me with three more children. . . even staying so strong for a VBAC, why now is my womb betraying me?
Watching it change. . . some days bright blood. . . some days dark and heavy, some days full of tissue, some days a watery discharge. .. . What does that mean? Why can't it just stop? Why do I have to worry about cancer during a holiday season? Why do I have to feel so very alone in this world?
If I have this. . . and if I have to have surgery and treatment, my life as I know it will change. I am uninsured. . . . I don't have a large savings~ I have children and every piece of my income goes to them. How will I work ? How wll I pay my rent and buy food? How will I pay for medication and treatment? I don't think I am scared of the pain, I think I am terrified at the prospect of taking care of my children. I know I am getting ahead of myself, they haven't diagnosed me yet but as I lie in my bed with a heating pad on my back and pelvic area, whimpering over the pain . . . . I know that something serious is wrong with me. I went through 4 unmedicated births yet I am doubled over due to this.
And, above all, im alone . . . always. My mom offered to take off work and go with me, but other then that she just says "your fine, dont worry about it, your gonna make yourself sick worrying. . . " My daughter that is 18 just wanted to make sure I could still babysit her son today so she could go to school. . .. Kelly offered but after all we have been through the last thing I can imagine is having her with me. My friend Corny offered but I don't think I want a man with me while they are biopsying me. . . so excuses? Maybe. . . but either way I am going alone. . .
and, all the time, I am having horrible dreams and memories of Shawny going through this a couple of years ago. . . she was also alone. I found out she had cancer when she was so sick she was sent home on hospice. I spent my weekends with her. . . and promised to be there when she passed. . . I spent the last ten days by her side. . . holding her, helping with medication, trying to make her comfortable. I know now a tiny piece of how she must have been feeling. As much as I am grateful that I could be there with her for her cancer, I wish that I didn't have those images in my mind as I go to get tested for the very same thing. . . .
Life is cruel . . . .
but I feel betrayed when I see the blood. . . the parts of my body falling out. This is from my womb, from the very place that nurtured and grew my five wonderful children. Why is it betraying me now? Why after nurturing my daughter when I was just 13. . . . why after recovering from a C-section. . . why after providing me with three more children. . . even staying so strong for a VBAC, why now is my womb betraying me?
Watching it change. . . some days bright blood. . . some days dark and heavy, some days full of tissue, some days a watery discharge. .. . What does that mean? Why can't it just stop? Why do I have to worry about cancer during a holiday season? Why do I have to feel so very alone in this world?
If I have this. . . and if I have to have surgery and treatment, my life as I know it will change. I am uninsured. . . . I don't have a large savings~ I have children and every piece of my income goes to them. How will I work ? How wll I pay my rent and buy food? How will I pay for medication and treatment? I don't think I am scared of the pain, I think I am terrified at the prospect of taking care of my children. I know I am getting ahead of myself, they haven't diagnosed me yet but as I lie in my bed with a heating pad on my back and pelvic area, whimpering over the pain . . . . I know that something serious is wrong with me. I went through 4 unmedicated births yet I am doubled over due to this.
And, above all, im alone . . . always. My mom offered to take off work and go with me, but other then that she just says "your fine, dont worry about it, your gonna make yourself sick worrying. . . " My daughter that is 18 just wanted to make sure I could still babysit her son today so she could go to school. . .. Kelly offered but after all we have been through the last thing I can imagine is having her with me. My friend Corny offered but I don't think I want a man with me while they are biopsying me. . . so excuses? Maybe. . . but either way I am going alone. . .
and, all the time, I am having horrible dreams and memories of Shawny going through this a couple of years ago. . . she was also alone. I found out she had cancer when she was so sick she was sent home on hospice. I spent my weekends with her. . . and promised to be there when she passed. . . I spent the last ten days by her side. . . holding her, helping with medication, trying to make her comfortable. I know now a tiny piece of how she must have been feeling. As much as I am grateful that I could be there with her for her cancer, I wish that I didn't have those images in my mind as I go to get tested for the very same thing. . . .
Life is cruel . . . .
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Biopsy Tomorrow
I guess I should be glad. . . . the Dr. office called back and said that they want to do the biopsy on Wednesday. While I am relieved that its going to be done and over, and hoping finally between the biopsy and blood tests they will figure something out. . . . on the other hand I am scared at what the answer may be. I wish this would have happened after the holidays, it just feels like a tough season to be facing questions like this.
But I am going to stay positive, pray that it is something simple and easy to fix. . . . something. . .. anything that doesn't include cancer in the title. . .. thyroid? Hormones? PCOS? whatever. . . .
So, I will sit. . . and wait . . .
But I am going to stay positive, pray that it is something simple and easy to fix. . . . something. . .. anything that doesn't include cancer in the title. . .. thyroid? Hormones? PCOS? whatever. . . .
So, I will sit. . . and wait . . .
Saturday, November 22, 2008
The Big C Word
Obviously this post isn't about women, or dating, or gender identity, confusion over sexual orientation or anything in that spectrum This post is about the word that you never ever want to hear. . . . Cancer.
I have always had irregular periods, and was diagnosed with PCOS in 1999, so I attributed my irregularity to that. I was lucky, in that I was able to concieve though I did have to take Clomid after the first three kiddos. Therefore, in March I had a period, and I didn't have one for months after that. In August I had about six days of pinkish spotting. I thought it was unusually because I expected a heavy period but I didn't think much either. I have noticed that my ovaries and pelvic area have hurt alot more, so I was batting around the idea of going in for a checkup to see if something had changed but. . . when your uninsured things like that take a back seat.
September came and so did a horribly painful and heavy period. I wasn't that surprised because it had been months, but it did mean several days at home due to heavy bleeding. I called the Dr. and made an appt to find out what to do to control it for the future. They did an exam, asked about the bleeding, (during the exam) and then prescribed birth control pills to control the bleeding. Three weeks went by and then the week before Halloween I began bleeding. . . . and bleeding. . . it was unlike anything else I have ever went through. The pain was so intense that I laid down and sobbed daily. I lost clots the size of grapefruits and eventually was so weak and dizzy I passed out in my hallway. This of course took me to the dr office, then the hospital, where they thought it was something hormonal. They increased the birth control pills and put me on a high dosage of progesterone and vitamins.
Problem is, I never stopped bleeding. . .. for the past five weeks I have bled heavily most days, the days I spotted I have lost tons of brownish fluid. Its like leaking amniotic fluid. Finally I went back to the dr once again who sent me to a different gynecologist (so fun when your uninsured!) she examined me and then sat down and drew a diagram. . . she charted out a diagram then said that she wanted to biopsy me right away, and began explaining that if the cancer was on one end of the spectrum she could treat me hormonally and with medication, on the other end would be a referral to a gynecological oncologist and full hysterectomy.
I sat there in shock. .. . I am still in shock. What happened to the hormonal issues? What happened to taking a tiny pill? I was still thinking cervical cancer (which is what I lost my best friend to almost 2 years ago. . .. I was with her for the last ten days of her life. . . a tough image to have burned in my memory right now) but she corrected me and said no, she thinks I have endometrial cancer.
I am floored! I am only 33, she did say that this cancer is pretty rare in women my age, but when women my age have it, they also have PCOS and Diabetes (im one stage away from diabetes, hypoglycemic) However, when I started googling it, I see so many women in thier 20s and 30s that are diagnosed and treated for Endometrial cancer.
So. . .. I am trying to not panic but I can't help it. I am scared to death and can't even get the biopsy until the 19th of December! I am on a waiting list for a cancellation but it feels like its forever away, plus. . .. I don't want to be diagnosed on Christmas. . . or the 28th or 29th when Hannah and Jacobs birthday is.
So, what do you do for a month of waiting? Blog? Post symptoms? Maybe it could be something else?
My current symptoms:
Extreme low back pain
Pelvic pain ranging from a bloated feeling to sharp shooting pains
burning urination (no, not a UTI)
Bleeding and tons of discharge (usually watery and brown)
exhaustion unlike anything I have ever felt before (sleeping 11 hours then taking a nap)
Sore legs and joints (primarily knees, toes and wrists. . . strange I know)
So, I know she said that she will also test me for thyroid issues, hormone levels in general, something that I don't remember the name of and an ultrasound.
So, I sit, and I wait. And I panic. And I picture my babies without a mother. I think of having only one more Christmas. I notice every pain, every twinge, every spot of blood.
This is so unfair
I have always had irregular periods, and was diagnosed with PCOS in 1999, so I attributed my irregularity to that. I was lucky, in that I was able to concieve though I did have to take Clomid after the first three kiddos. Therefore, in March I had a period, and I didn't have one for months after that. In August I had about six days of pinkish spotting. I thought it was unusually because I expected a heavy period but I didn't think much either. I have noticed that my ovaries and pelvic area have hurt alot more, so I was batting around the idea of going in for a checkup to see if something had changed but. . . when your uninsured things like that take a back seat.
September came and so did a horribly painful and heavy period. I wasn't that surprised because it had been months, but it did mean several days at home due to heavy bleeding. I called the Dr. and made an appt to find out what to do to control it for the future. They did an exam, asked about the bleeding, (during the exam) and then prescribed birth control pills to control the bleeding. Three weeks went by and then the week before Halloween I began bleeding. . . . and bleeding. . . it was unlike anything else I have ever went through. The pain was so intense that I laid down and sobbed daily. I lost clots the size of grapefruits and eventually was so weak and dizzy I passed out in my hallway. This of course took me to the dr office, then the hospital, where they thought it was something hormonal. They increased the birth control pills and put me on a high dosage of progesterone and vitamins.
Problem is, I never stopped bleeding. . .. for the past five weeks I have bled heavily most days, the days I spotted I have lost tons of brownish fluid. Its like leaking amniotic fluid. Finally I went back to the dr once again who sent me to a different gynecologist (so fun when your uninsured!) she examined me and then sat down and drew a diagram. . . she charted out a diagram then said that she wanted to biopsy me right away, and began explaining that if the cancer was on one end of the spectrum she could treat me hormonally and with medication, on the other end would be a referral to a gynecological oncologist and full hysterectomy.
I sat there in shock. .. . I am still in shock. What happened to the hormonal issues? What happened to taking a tiny pill? I was still thinking cervical cancer (which is what I lost my best friend to almost 2 years ago. . .. I was with her for the last ten days of her life. . . a tough image to have burned in my memory right now) but she corrected me and said no, she thinks I have endometrial cancer.
I am floored! I am only 33, she did say that this cancer is pretty rare in women my age, but when women my age have it, they also have PCOS and Diabetes (im one stage away from diabetes, hypoglycemic) However, when I started googling it, I see so many women in thier 20s and 30s that are diagnosed and treated for Endometrial cancer.
So. . .. I am trying to not panic but I can't help it. I am scared to death and can't even get the biopsy until the 19th of December! I am on a waiting list for a cancellation but it feels like its forever away, plus. . .. I don't want to be diagnosed on Christmas. . . or the 28th or 29th when Hannah and Jacobs birthday is.
So, what do you do for a month of waiting? Blog? Post symptoms? Maybe it could be something else?
My current symptoms:
Extreme low back pain
Pelvic pain ranging from a bloated feeling to sharp shooting pains
burning urination (no, not a UTI)
Bleeding and tons of discharge (usually watery and brown)
exhaustion unlike anything I have ever felt before (sleeping 11 hours then taking a nap)
Sore legs and joints (primarily knees, toes and wrists. . . strange I know)
So, I know she said that she will also test me for thyroid issues, hormone levels in general, something that I don't remember the name of and an ultrasound.
So, I sit, and I wait. And I panic. And I picture my babies without a mother. I think of having only one more Christmas. I notice every pain, every twinge, every spot of blood.
This is so unfair
Sunday, November 9, 2008
And. . . back she is. . .
Over the past couple of months, I have been up and down, though I haven't talked much about it here. "K" had moved on with a new girlfriend, I realized that sleeping with men wasn't so appealing, but I wasn't sure where that left me. I guess alone.
One problem is K's friend is my employee. Sticky huh! I also have her on myspace, and so I get to hear and see little K updates all the time. Initially, I wasn't so bothered by it. I just figured that we weren't meant to be, move on. .. so be it.
Then I heard she had a girlfriend. . . and then came the day I saw pics of her snuggled with her girlfriend. Ouch. . . That . Freakin . Hurt! I tried to ignore it, I didn't think of her, I tried to bury myself into work more, but the truth is, late at night I would have dreams of her, I would regret not holding her, or touching her. .. I would wonder if I should have tried harder and would wake with this horrible feeling in my chest, an empty longing feeling. Sometimes I would remember something she said, or I would smell somebody who smelled like her. . . its been difficult.
Then. . . . she sent me a message. Simple enough, just said I was on her mind. I answered in a very casual manner. .. then Friday she told me she missed me, and that she didn't feel true to her gf because she wanted me, not her. I wasn't sure how to take this change of heart and to be honest I am a bit worried that it could jump back to where it was.
We talked a bit, ok, we talked alot. I let her know that I am not sure what I want now, that I am all over the map. . . but she insisted on talking about us. I asked her to come over after work on Friday, and not tell her girlfriend. I just don't want to start drama but I needed to look at her face to face, to see her, to look into her eyes and hear what she had to say. . .. as well as share my own heart.
She came over. . . I bought her some red wine and we sat on the couch and talked. . . . I refilled her wine glass, massaged her feet and listened as she told me the events of the past few months, and how much she wants to be with me . . . . how she sees us together in the future, for the long term. She cares. . . . she has feelings. . . . Everything that I wanted to hear for so long . . . I heard while she laid on my couch. . .
I took her to my bed and made love to her for hours. I had no idea she was as passionate and warm and erotic as she was. . . . We slept for a little bit, with my arms around her holding on for dear life. . . . then woke up and she met my children. . .. . strangely ackward as they haven't seen a woman in my bed in three years. . . .
and now, im confused and scared to death. . . as much as I want to believe in her, I don't know what to think. She has a girlfriend, I am seeing other people. . . I don't know that I want complete committment and babies right now (she wants a baby, and the idea of her having a child for us is oddly appealing to me. . . . ) but, if I give up my heart to her, then what. . .
I am terrified . . .
One problem is K's friend is my employee. Sticky huh! I also have her on myspace, and so I get to hear and see little K updates all the time. Initially, I wasn't so bothered by it. I just figured that we weren't meant to be, move on. .. so be it.
Then I heard she had a girlfriend. . . and then came the day I saw pics of her snuggled with her girlfriend. Ouch. . . That . Freakin . Hurt! I tried to ignore it, I didn't think of her, I tried to bury myself into work more, but the truth is, late at night I would have dreams of her, I would regret not holding her, or touching her. .. I would wonder if I should have tried harder and would wake with this horrible feeling in my chest, an empty longing feeling. Sometimes I would remember something she said, or I would smell somebody who smelled like her. . . its been difficult.
Then. . . . she sent me a message. Simple enough, just said I was on her mind. I answered in a very casual manner. .. then Friday she told me she missed me, and that she didn't feel true to her gf because she wanted me, not her. I wasn't sure how to take this change of heart and to be honest I am a bit worried that it could jump back to where it was.
We talked a bit, ok, we talked alot. I let her know that I am not sure what I want now, that I am all over the map. . . but she insisted on talking about us. I asked her to come over after work on Friday, and not tell her girlfriend. I just don't want to start drama but I needed to look at her face to face, to see her, to look into her eyes and hear what she had to say. . .. as well as share my own heart.
She came over. . . I bought her some red wine and we sat on the couch and talked. . . . I refilled her wine glass, massaged her feet and listened as she told me the events of the past few months, and how much she wants to be with me . . . . how she sees us together in the future, for the long term. She cares. . . . she has feelings. . . . Everything that I wanted to hear for so long . . . I heard while she laid on my couch. . .
I took her to my bed and made love to her for hours. I had no idea she was as passionate and warm and erotic as she was. . . . We slept for a little bit, with my arms around her holding on for dear life. . . . then woke up and she met my children. . .. . strangely ackward as they haven't seen a woman in my bed in three years. . . .
and now, im confused and scared to death. . . as much as I want to believe in her, I don't know what to think. She has a girlfriend, I am seeing other people. . . I don't know that I want complete committment and babies right now (she wants a baby, and the idea of her having a child for us is oddly appealing to me. . . . ) but, if I give up my heart to her, then what. . .
I am terrified . . .
Thursday, October 23, 2008
The visit
So,
What to say? First, I should say that I shouldn't say anything because I am drunk as hell, and I am one who never gets drunk. . . .. therefore typing while drinking should be against the law.
So, he came for a visit, and I was assured that yes. . . I am indeed a lesbian. I dunno what I was thinking? Maybe because he was on the phone and a sociologist I thought I could get over it but. . .. no I guess I can't?
We were eh. . . . intimate.
It didn't work for me, at all.
I kept thinking of the sensuality of the women I have known. . ..
I think that I get confused between truly enjoying somebodys company and finding myself turned on by them. As in . . . I love talking to him! He is amazing and truth be told. . . hes the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on . . . .He is huge and black and has dreds to his waist. He speaks of race, class and gender issues, he is a radical liberal. . . .. all things that turn me on but. . . in the end, hes a man.
and, I am a woman who loves women. . . .
nuff said
What to say? First, I should say that I shouldn't say anything because I am drunk as hell, and I am one who never gets drunk. . . .. therefore typing while drinking should be against the law.
So, he came for a visit, and I was assured that yes. . . I am indeed a lesbian. I dunno what I was thinking? Maybe because he was on the phone and a sociologist I thought I could get over it but. . .. no I guess I can't?
We were eh. . . . intimate.
It didn't work for me, at all.
I kept thinking of the sensuality of the women I have known. . ..
I think that I get confused between truly enjoying somebodys company and finding myself turned on by them. As in . . . I love talking to him! He is amazing and truth be told. . . hes the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on . . . .He is huge and black and has dreds to his waist. He speaks of race, class and gender issues, he is a radical liberal. . . .. all things that turn me on but. . . in the end, hes a man.
and, I am a woman who loves women. . . .
nuff said
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